Are wives supposed to submit to their husbands in everything?
Ephesians 5:22–24 has often been misused to validate the idea of a husband’s total control over his wife. The Bible condemns all forms of abuse in the family (physical, verbal, psychological, emotional, or any other kind) and describes marriage as a loving and respectful partnership. God does not ask a wife to submit to her husband’s will when he will lead her in opposition to the principles of His Holy Word.
The instruction for wives to submit to their own husbands must be understood in connection with the instruction to husbands. Husbands are given the sacred command to “love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Ephesians 5:25). The kind of husband a wife can submit to is one who gives himself for her, just as Jesus gave Himself for us. This kind of love is complete self-sacrifice. The husband must be a godly man who obeys the Lord in all things and puts the needs of his wife above his own. He should gladly give up any personal right, comfort, privilege, or advantage to insure those things for his wife. Jesus set the example for husbands, “who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross” (Philippians 2:6–8). A wife can only submit to her husband completely as he follows this example, because he will only lead his wife in the way God directs, and will withhold nothing that is for her good in Christ! Every husband should study the example of Jesus.
The self-sacrificing love of the husband who always obeys God would make the respect and submission of the wife a pleasure for her. It will be a joy to trust the leading of a husband who always goes the extra mile to lighten her load and lead the way in what agrees perfectly with God’s Word. For the self-sacrificing husband, the respectful trust and submission of his wife will be a more-than-abundant return for his humility and his willingness to give without demanding anything in return. This is the ideal God intends for marriage. When a husband and wife ask for God’s help to work together as united partners, God’s promise can be fulfilled, “and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).
So how should this be lived out in a marriage? The foundation for this kind of love must be laid before a conflict arises or a difficult decision must be made. The self-sacrificing of the husband and the respectful submission of the wife need to be practiced in the small daily experiences of life. When conflicts and decisions arise, use that foundation to pray together, to see things through each other’s point of view, to listen with kindness, and to come to agreement on how to follow God’s will together. If agreement cannot be reached, then husbands, sacrifice your preference and choose what is best for your wife, because it is in agreement with God’s Word. Wives, express your needs kindly and encourage his godly leading when it is in agreement with God’s Word. In this way, your decisions will be led and blessed by God. You will be equally yoked with Christ, of one mind with God—a threefold cord that will not be easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
The reality is that many husbands—even Christian husbands—do not submit to God’s Word or follow the example of Jesus. As a result, while the wife should still be respectful to her husband, she cannot submit to every aspect of his leadership.
We all need continual growth in our marriage. Practice the Christian courtesies and character traits given in God’s Word. Encourage each other; be willing to forgive when your partner makes a mistake, and seek God’s help to improve. Together, ask God to help you enjoy the full blessing of marriage as He designed it to be.