What is the biblical way to discipline children?
The definition of “discipline” is not punishment, but “to teach.” The Bible emphasizes the importance of discipline for every person, so that we will develop the character of obedience to God’s Word.
Personal discipline is best learned in the early years. Since parents represent the role of God to their children, they should be careful to study God’s Word themselves and submit to His will in the raising them. Biblical discipline and parenting should not be a partial application of selected texts from the Bible. Parents must be familiar with all the words and works of God so they can imitate His dealings with us.
The following are Bible principles and patterns to prayerfully study so God can help you apply them as you teach children to take on Christ’s character:
“Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:1
Parents, first study Christ’s perfect pattern. No discipline will be godly unless it flows from the pattern of Jesus’ life. Set a godly example of admitting your mistakes, taking responsibility, and making things right quickly. Pray.
“‘And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.’” Deuteronomy 6:6–9
Discipline should not be only a response to bad behavior; it begins even before childbirth, by establishing an entire pattern of family life that submits to God’s Word. Begin by putting God’s Word in your heart. Then talk with your children about godly character from God’s Word in all situations and at all stages of their lives.
“For the commandment is a lamp, and the law a light; reproofs of instruction are the way of life.” Proverbs 6:23
Use God’s Word as your guide. Instead of demanding perfect behavior, root all discipline in the context of developing a Christ-like character. Learn and practice that character by studying God’s Word together.“Blessed is the man whom You instruct, O Lord, and teach out of Your law” (Psalm 94:12).
“There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health.” Proverbs 12:18
Don’t jump to conclusions by quickly pointing a finger at your child’s mistakes. Give yourself time to think carefully, and pray before you speak, so that you will not make false accusations. Children are tender and can be easily damaged by hurtful words we later regret. “But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment” (Matthew 12:36). “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him” (Proverbs 18:13). “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles” (Proverbs 21:23).
“Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, ‘Where are you?’ So he said, ‘I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.’ And He said, ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?’” Genesis 3:9–11
Follow God’s pattern with sinful Adam. Instead of meeting your child with accusations, ask questions, with love. Like Adam, who already knew his guilt and wanted to run from God, children may feel shame and humiliation because of wrong choices. Their natural inclination will be to run from rebuke or being found out. Through patient conversation, we can lead them to acknowledge what they have done, rather than forcing them to accept our point of view. This takes time and is a sacrifice on the part of the parent. It is harder than snapping at a child and forcing them to behave.
“And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
God’s discipline is instructive and loving. We are not to lash out in anger and cause lasting harm or pain. Consider your behavior and how it affects your children. Is your discipline leading them closer to God or farther away? “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). Remember that children are tender; they are easily instructed and easily damaged.
“Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11 Allow your children to experience the natural consequences of their behavior that are in keeping with their maturity. Intervening to withhold natural consequences will teach them that disobedience to God does not matter. We are not called to inflict pain as a capricious punishment, but we should not prevent our children from reaping the reasonable consequences of disobedience. Then have a loving conversation with your child.
“Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live?” Hebrews 12:9
Godly discipline should be administered for the purpose of developing godly respect, which is a demonstration of Christian character. Discipline is not to be used simply to adjust a child’s behavior to make it more convenient for the parent. The purpose of godly discipline is to change the heart, resulting in a Christ-like character that gives respect to whom respect is due, especially to God (Romans 13:7).
Make your home a pleasant place, filled with happiness and kindness. Do all you can to be disciplined yourself, so your children will naturally follow in the pattern you have set—a well-ordered life that is in obedience to God. You are separated from your children by a short span of years that is noticeable now; but in reality, you are brothers and sisters together in the family of God. Ask for God’s help to instruct and guide your children in such a manner that you can look back without regret. And when you have made a mistake by being unfair or unkind, apologize to your child and ask for their forgiveness. Then confess it to God, who promises to forgive your sin and help you.